You’re Being Followed

I’ve been gone. Gone to Kentucky for a week, to be with my brother through his hip surgery and hopefully I was some help afterward. Three weeks ago, I was in Montana helping my mom with my dad after his back surgery.

A lot has happened in between then and yesterday. For example, I broke my toothbrush. What?! you may ask. Yes, I broke my toothbrush. It was one of those electric kind that run on batteries and my hand was refusing to cooperate and the harder I pushed, the harder I scrubbed, well… it broke.

And, that was the last straw. I broke down. For the (I think) first time since being diagnosed five years ago, I was angry and grieving. Through that melt down, I learned several things (not in any particular order).

1. I am tired.
2. I cannot do what I used to do.
3. I can’t cope with disorganization in my life.
4. I am frustrated that I get distracted so easily.
5. I want my doctor back.
6. I came home seeing improvements in the people I cared for, while nothing inside me got better.
7. I know that things can always be worse.
8. No matter what does or doesn’t happen, it will not catch God by surprise.

I started this blog about four years ago as more of a journal. During my melt down, I realized I miss that. Sometimes I think I have to be strong and not let others see the struggle within me because of this disease. I have tremors that are becoming more noticeable, but it’s what goes on inside of me that makes others say things like, “You sure don’t look like you have Parkinson’s disease.”

Sometimes, don’t you wish you could switch birth suits so others might have a better understanding? Everyone’s perception of certain diseases is different. Many people don’t realize all the different elements that can be prevalent in Parkinson’s. Depression. Loss of smell. Pain. Loss of mobility in doing basic, simple tasks like tying your own shoes. There’s so much more, but I don’t need to go into that.

The thing is – I love to write. It’s harder now than it used to be. I don’t even attempt handwriting anymore unless it’s signing a card or something similar. Even the computer frustrates me, especially when my ‘mobility’ isn’t cooperating and my mind is racing with ideas.

I love to encourage others because of what I’ve gone through. I believe that God always places someone a little further up on the path of life, so that they are able to help us on our journeys. Someone a little more experienced, a little bit wiser. They come alongside us and there’s an instant camaraderie. The circle becomes complete when we do the same thing for others.

So, even though my discouragement (and sometimes despair) kicks in and beckons me to walk toward the side of the road where discouragement dwells, I’ll remember my list…

1. I am tired, but I’m still kicking.
2. I cannot do what I used to do, but I am doing something.
3. I can’t cope with disorganization in my life, so I am working on simplifying things in my life so I don’t get so frustrated.
4. I am frustrated that I get distracted so easily, so I am making a concerted effort to improve my brainpower any way I can. (Anyone have any suggestions?)
5. I want my doctor back, but I’m willing to go where God sends me.
6. I came home seeing improvements in the people I cared for, while nothing inside of me got better… and that’s okay.
7. I know things can always be worse and just might, but…
8. …no matter what does or doesn’t happen, it won’t catch God by surprise.

So, I guess this is to say, I hope to get back to posting more regularly and more personally as I journey day by day with PD. After all, it’s when we allow ourselves to become transparent that we can do the most good for those coming behind us.

Who’s following you?

Tagged As: chronic illness, depression, disability, dr. anthony santiago, God, grief, hope, living with pd, parkinson's disease, PD, tremors, young onset parkinson's disease