Parkinson’s Disease and the ‘D’ Word

Many people don’t want to talk about it.  Fewer want to admit to it.  All would choose to live without it.  It’s the ‘D’ word – depression.

Much to my surprise, on my first visit to see my neurologist over five years ago, I was asked if I struggled with depression.  I could honestly answer ‘no’.  My doctor proceeded to tell me that depression was/is one of the first signs of Parkinson’s disease.  Today, however, if he were to ask me if I struggled with depression, I’d have to say ‘yes’.

I’ve had several people in my life very close to me who fight this disease – not PD, but depression.   Most of them try to hide the fact that they have it or the fact they struggle with it on a regular basis. We’ve come to believe that if we are battling the monster of depression, something must be wrong with us mentally.  We can’t control our emotions.  We’re going crazy.  Life becomes a journey of living live under an umbrella of black clouds and gray days.

I’ve never struggled with depression personally – until recently.   A few weeks ago, I thought perhaps I was just tired.  Parkinson’s disease can be so odd.  You hear about one person’s journey and it sounds nothing like your own.   I’ve heard PD labeled as a ‘designer’ disease, meaning that it affects each individual so… individually.  We all wear it differently.  One may shake from tremors and not have much else going on (though highly unlikely).  One may deal with excruciating pain that is hidden and unseen.  Another may struggle with many aspects of the disease all at once – speech, swallowing, shaking, pain, depression, sense of smell and more.  Yes, it is definitely a designer disease.

I realized I was battling depression one morning when I didn’t feel like getting out of bed.  I’ve heard that’s normal for someone who is depressed but it wasn’t normal for me.  Especially on a day when my granddaughter is expected to come.  Days with my little Boo are precious to me, but on this one day, even that fact wasn’t helping me to get up and get going.  However, there comes the point when reality gets in your face and drags you out of bed so that you can at least operate like a robot throughout the day.

As the day wore on, I thought about how hard it was to get out of bed that morning and what was wrong with me lately.  Then it hit me…  I have been working on a book about living with this disease and the fears we face because of it.  Doing something like that makes you face the realities of the disease and the many ‘what ifs’.  It also can make you feel as if you’re going to become useless, worthless, and burdensome.

Yes, that was how I began to feel.  But – when I realized what was going on, then I was able to do something about it.  I began telling myself the truth and quit listening to the lies.  Yes, I have Parkinson’s disease, but I am not useless.  Who else feeds the cat?  And I am not worthless – just ask God.  And burdensome?  Not yet.  Hopefully not ever.

Sometimes on the dark and cloudy days that we’ve allowed umbrellas to be over our heads so that we can’t look up, we need to leave the umbrella inside and go and jump in the puddles instead.  Get wet, look up, and let the rain pour down on us – literally (it’s quite fun).  We need to let go of the pride that holds us back, call a friend, and get out of the house.  Isolation breeds depression and if we’re spending a lot of time alone, it’s time to change the game plan.  If you’re feeling down in the dumps, do something constructive – take up painting, scrapbooking, photography, writing, dog walking, whittling – something to get your mind off your feelings and onto something good and healthy.

And, if you are having a difficult time dealing with depression and have PD (or don’t), talk to your neurologist (or doctor) about it.  That’s what they’re for – to make life a little easier in the midst of this disease.  Depression is nothing to be ashamed of, whether you have PD or not.  It’s only something to hide if you’re listening to the lies of reason instead of the truth that’s telling you it could be better if you’ll just ask for help.

Tagged As: depression, emotions, neurologist, parkinson's disease and depression, pd and depression