I let PD win one tonight.
I had met some new people at a photo club
we were eating and someone asked where I worked.
I replied that I had retired on disability.
I didn’t even tell them what kind of job I used to have.

I mean, I can’t do my former job anymore, so why mention it?
I was more worried about what these strangers would
‘think’ about me if I said “I can’t work as a chemist now
because I have Parkinson’s disease.
I let PD and my pride take away a chance to let people
know more about this illness. Oh yeah, when we left, I did
give them one of my cards that has the blog site listed
www.parkinsonsjourney.com and my little motto: “I will endure for a cure.”

I feel so stupid.
Now I’m thinking….they are probably wondering why I didn’t
just come right out and tell them the truth.

The truth is …I still find it hard to tell total strangers that I have PD.
I think it is because I do not want to be treated differently…I just want
to be understood. PD is so confusing. When meds are working (and mine
still do pretty good after 6 years of ingesting chemicals that supplement
my brain with a neurotransmitter that I’ve become drastically deficient in), and that
neurotransmitter controls smooth muscle movement. Without enough dopamine,
my body will tremor or become very stiff.

So bid deal …I have Parkinson’s disease. I should learn to say it, be ready to explain
it. It’s not that hard to grasp. Everyone knows Micheal J Fox has it. Why should it
still be so hard for me to admit it. I guess because of what it has taken from me. I try not
to think about what it will take in the future. I’m trying to live life as normally as I can.
I’m trying to accept help when I need it. I’m trying to endure for a cure. I just feel like I
let everyone with PD down tonight. Maybe by writing this out, I can look at it over and over
again, and resolve with myself that I will say it next time. No matter what the other person
will think of me. I don’t know how they will think, so I should just say it next time.

And then I’ll know what they thing by the next things they say. And maybe it will provide
an opportunity to tell someone else about this illness that will only continue to deteriorate,
that has no cure, that has taken some of the best of me, but it will not consume me.
I still have value. I still have a voice. I still have a mind. I still have a heart. I still have a
desire to not let it win.

But….I struck out this inning. I hope I get another at bat and at least get a
single. I’ve got so many wonderful teammates that I don’t want to let down!

So now I’m looking for my “kick PD in the butt’ boots. I sure didn’t have them on earlier
tonight. And I’m sorry I didn’t. I promise I’ll do better next time, team. Lov ya. Judy